Just so you know, you can use octopuses, octopi or even octopodes, the latter of which is rather awesome.

But seriously, do you have any idea what these creatures are capable of? I’ve been doing some octopus research recently and have been somewhat flabbergasted by these amazing animals. Why have I been doing octopus research, you ask? Why do I do anything? Because I either find it funny, it angers me or it fascinates me. Deal with it.

Anywho, there are several things I found out about octopuses that are intriguing as heck, and I have a pretty cool story to tell you.

Let’s get to it. I’ll start with the story we ran across during my crack staff’s extensive research. Read on:

So there was an aquarium in Australia that was having a problem with its population of crustaceans vanishing. No bodies or anything, they were just gone. They finally decided to check their video feed to see what was up.

Across from the crustacean tank was a small octopus tank. This little dude had squeezed out of a tiny hole at the top of his tank, walked across the hall and got into the crustacean tank. Then he would hunt and eat. After he was done he’d crawl back over to his tank. Interesting, but that’s not all. Security guards regularly patrolled the area. The aquarium staff soon learned, after watching a few nights, that the octopus had memorized the guard’s routine and it would escape and be back between the guard’s rounds. Diabolical, and also a little terrifying.

Lordy.

There are also documented cases of octopuses unscrewing lids of baby-proof bottles, squeezing through tiny holes and entering houses to steal food, and stacking shells to form fortresses in the ocean. Jeepers creepers, man.

Here are some other cool facts:

Octopuses don’t have 8-legs. They have 4-pairs of arms. Somehow that sounds way scarier.

Octopuses can walk across land. Again, j-u-s-t a tad horrifying.

Octopuses use tools and weapons. There have been cases of octopuses beating a diver over the head with a conch shell. Sweet Mother of God.

Octopuses have unique, distinct personalities, just like people. Well, most people. Not my Uncle Herman.

Octopuses have three hearts. Two pump blood through each of the two gills, while the third pumps blood through the body.

When discovered, an octopus will release a cloud of black ink to obscure its attacker’s view, giving it time to swim away. The ink even contains a substance that dulls a predator’s sense of smell, making the fleeing octopus harder to track.

An octopus at an aquarium in Germany was annoyed with a bright light shining into his tank so he squirted water at it to short it out.

Fast swimmers, they can jet forward by expelling water through their mantles. And their soft bodies, with no internal or external skeleton, can squeeze into impossibly small cracks and crevices where predators can’t follow. Sneaky and slimy, a dangerous combination. On a related note, I used to have a superintendent back in the 2000s who fit that description perfectly.

Octopuses have beaklike jaws that can deliver a nasty bite, and venomous saliva, used mainly for subduing prey. Sorta looks like a parrot’s beak.

If all else fails, an octopus can lose an arm to escape a predator’s grasp and re-grow it later with no permanent damage. The arms can even react after they’ve been completely severed. In one experiment, severed arms jerked away in pain when researchers pinched them. Yowza.

Octopuses arms have a mind of their own. Two-thirds of an octopus’ neurons reside in its arms, not its head. As a result, the arms can problem-solve how to open a shellfish while their owners are busy doing something else, like checking out a cave for more edible goodies or planning to overthrow the world.

And finally and most remarkably …

Octopuses are capable of changing their body shape and color to mimic other animals and other ocean life. If you want to see a remarkable example of this, just go to YouTube and type “Camouflaged Octopus Makes Marine Biologist Scream Bloody Murder” into the search box. You will be astounded.

Chameleons got nothin’ on the octopodes, man.

So there’s your nature Lesson ‘o’ the Day, kids. I hope you learned something, I know I did. But after reading this, I have an ominous feeling that somewhere, out in the ocean, there’s an island where octopuses are fine-tuning their walking abilities. And then someday in the future, Hawaii or Bermuda or some other small isolated island will be attacked by marauding, spear-wielding, conch-wielding wielding and poison ink-squirting octopuses. An Octopi Army if you will. And this future conflict will be called by CNN the Revenge of the Calamari or something along those lines.

Prepare yourselves, people. Prepare yourselves.

Dave Shoemaker is a retired teacher, athletic director and basketball coach with most of his professional years spent at Paint Valley. He also served as the national basketball coach for the island country of Montserrat in the British West Indies. He lives in Southern Ohio with his best friends and companions, his dogs Sweet Lilly and Hank. He can be reached at https://shoeuntied.wordpress.com/.