Unwritten Rules to Live By

We all have them. Unwritten rules we live by. Some are sort of universally accepted, others, not so much. Bottom line we’re not talking 10 Commandment level stuff here.

So without further ado, I present to you 16 Unwritten Rules to Live By. Feel free to make a print-out and post it on your fridge.

Or not. Here we go …

Don’t Mess With Another Person’s Volume Knob

Listen up, folks. The driver has sound priority. As a matter of fact, it goes for the entire dashboard – air conditioning, etc. And I like my music loud, so deal with it. So hands off my knobs.

Acknowledge The Person Who Lets You Cross The Street In Front Of Them

This also applies when somebody lets you cut in front of them in traffic. Nothing special, just a small wave of recognition is all that’s required. Just a raise of the hand. I usually give a point and a wink, but that’s just me. The alternative, which is ignoring somebody after an act of kindness, is inexcusable and an extreme act of unsophisticated boorishness.

Chew With Your Mouth Closed

Seems obvious, yet I see it all the time. And for God’s sake don’t talk while you’re chewing. Nothing worse. I once faked a death in the family to cut a date short after a girl did this repeatedly. Dead serious.

Don’t Walk On A People Mover In Airports

I know this is up for debate but I’ll die on this hill. Same for escalators. People are on them because they don’t want to walk. I’ve been known to intentionally block people who do this. If you want to walk, walk. Or take the stairs.

Don’t Talk During The Movie

Again, seems like an easy concept but some people still don’t get it. True story here. Back in my younger days, before I learned to control my temper (sort of), I once made a guy pay me $8.50 in the parking lot after he’d ruined a movie by yapping to his girlfriend throughout. On a related note, I have no idea why I haven’t been murdered at some point.

Don’t Talk On Your Cell Phone Too Loudly In Public

I think this is a pretty universal rule, no? And for God’s sake don’t put it on speakerphone. Nobody wants to hear you discuss your business deal or that abscess on your left butt cheek.

Let Others Go First

Always. No exceptions here. Hold the door for the person behind you. Let them off the elevator first. And if they don’t acknowledge you with a wave or a thank you, you’re allotted one attempt to trip them. On a related note, let people off the elevator before you get on.

If You Dig A Hole At The Beach, Always Fill It Back In

Hey, it’s almost the end of summer so this one needs to be said. I see this often. For some weird reason, as soon as people get to the beach they start digging a hole. I’ve never understood this phenomenon, but for God’s sake fill it in when you’re finished. Nothing ruins a romantic midnight stroll on the beach like a snapped fibula, and people have died when the walls collapse. Seriously, look it up. Really though, it’s really just Natural Selection I guess. Survival of the most intelligent and whatnot.

Men, Always Leave A One Urinal Buffer Zone

At least. Pay attention here, guys. There’s nothing more uncomfortable and awkward than standing at a urinal with five empty urinals on each side of you and some tool walks in and uses the one right next to you. What are you doing, man? Not cool. Give me space.

Sign Your Name

I can’t tell you how many times, as an administrator and coach, I’ve seen anonymous letters or emails complaining about one thing or the other. Take ownership, people! As an Athletic Director, I would toss any unsigned letter straight into the trash can, simply because people can say anything they want if they aren’t going to be held accountable for it. Unfortunately, I had a superintendent for a while who actually read this garbage and acted on it. Dumb. Own it like Hancock!

Note: Declaration of Independence buffs will understand that Hancock reference.

Don’t Park In Handicapped Spaces Unless You’re Truly Handicapped

I have been known to call people on this. In addition, don’t be the pretentious jackwagon who parks his Corvette at an angle so he doesn’t get a ding on his door. Go park at the far end of the lot, ya jerk.

*Update: I once started an Asshat Parkers of the Day page on my website that went global. I started getting so many entrees that I had to shut it down.

Cyclists, Both Motor And Bike, Please Obey The Traffic Laws

Don’t complain about us not seeing you or respecting your rights, then cruise by us when traffic is stopped. If you do and somebody opens a car door directly in your path I won’t feel sorry for you.

Have Your Cash Or Card Ready And Know What You Want To Order When You Get To The Register

There are few things more annoying to me than standing behind somebody who waits until he gets to the front of the line to get his money out and/or decide what to order. Plan ahead, man! Also, don’t toss your change on the counter for the poor cashier to pick up. Rude.

Break Up In Person

Kids, listen up. Don’t call, don’t text, don’t message on Facebook, Instagram or TikTok, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t have a friend give the bad news. Man (or woman) up and handle it face-to-face with as much class as possible. A little heads-up though. It’s always better to do it in a restaurant or other crowded area to avoid, you know, a potential ugly scene. On a personal note, I once broke up with a girl in my apartment on OSU campus. Let’s just say that “Frampton Comes Alive!” double album I had on the turntable at the time could not be glued back together.

Guys, Don’t Wear Tiny Shirts

Hey, we know you work out. We see your biceps. Wearing a medium t-shirt when you should be wearing an XL only makes you look ridiculous.

Return Your Shopping Cart To The Shopping Cart Bay

The shopping cart is the ultimate test for whether a person is a basic human being and not an ignorant, lazy, savage barbarian. To return a shopping cart to its proper place in the cart bay is an easy, convenient task and one which we, as all civilized human beings, recognize as the correct, appropriate, kind, and humane thing to do.

It is not a crime to abandon your shopping cart or to roll it away like discarded trash. No one will punish you for not returning the shopping cart (although in a perfect world a person would be flogged about the head and shoulders for the offense), no one will fine you, nobody will murder you for not returning the shopping cart, and you yourself gain nothing by returning the shopping cart. You return the shopping cart out of the goodness of your own pure and beautiful heart. Bottom line, the shopping cart presents itself as the apex example of whether a person will do what is right without being forced to do it.

So those are my Top 16. Sorry if it seems as if I’m telling you how to live your life, but I guess I sort of am. Hey, if you’ve screwed up as much as I have you learn things.

You’re welcome.

Dave Shoemaker is a retired teacher, athletic director and basketball coach with most of his professional years spent at Paint Valley. He also served as the national basketball coach for the island country of Montserrat in the British West Indies. He lives in Southern Ohio with his best friends and companions, his dogs Sweet Lilly and Hank. He can be reached at https://shoeuntied.wordpress.com/.