Dave Shoemaker
Contributing columnist
Here’s the thing, kids. Music reflects life. All of our lives, in fact. We all know that. How many times have you heard a song and thought, “That’s exactly the way I feel.” Music legitimizes our feelings. Hey, if somebody else feels the exact same way as we do, well, it’s going to be O.K., right?
And music can touch people on many levels. It can make you laugh, cry, get angry, become confused, feel exhilarated, the list is endless.
And music can also make you think. Man, when I first heard Nowhere Man by The Beatles in 1965 my 9-year-old brain was blown away.
That said, there have been a lot of questions asked in songs over the years. Some have been deep, philosophical questions. Others, not so much.
As Jimmy Buffett once famously asked, what if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?
So I said all that to get to this – while having a conversation with a friend the other day, something clicked in my brain and I started recalling (and repeating) all the questions I could remember that could be found in popular songs. As I said, some are serious, some not. So hey, why not write ’em down and try to answer them? Seems easy enough, except not at all.
With that in mind, I now give you 32 Eternal Musical Questions, and my attempt to answer them. Shall we proceed? We shall …
Why do birds sing so gay? Why do they wake at the break of day? Why do we fall in love?
Boy, do those lyrics take a hard left turn. The first two I can answer – #1 – They’re birds, #2 – They have to go eat and you know, do bird stuff. #3 – You’re asking the wrong guy.
What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?
At face value, that sounds like a sacrilegious question, but isn’t God really like all of us, even the slobs? On a related note, I’m pretty sure the word “slob” is never mentioned in the Bible.
I wonder, wonder, who wrote the Book of Love?
Listen, I don’t know who wrote the Book of Love but I do know I’ve read it twice and the ending was horrifying.
Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don’t they know it’s the end of the world, ’cause you don’t love me anymore?
No, they don’t know, honey, nor do they care. People break up every day. It’s over. Move on. Get over it. Life, as well as the stars and waves, will go on in spite of your fragility.
Who let the dogs out?
Nobody knows, but I’m pretty sure The Baha Men were making disparaging remarks about the ladies in this tune. You have to listen carefully to the lyrics, but trust me, politically correct poetry it ain’t.
Why do you build me up, Buttercup?
Son, you’re being built up to be broken down. That’s Relationships 101. Relax. I’m kidding. Sort of.
Do you feel like I do?
No, Peter Frampton, nobody felt like you do, especially in 1978 when you wrote this and were on top of the world and were getting everything you wanted in life. Plus you still had your hair, so there’s that.
Why do fools fall in love?
Ah, back to the question asked earlier. Again, I simply do not know. Do fools fall in love easier than non-fools? Probably. Then again, it’s been my experience that all men become fools around women to some extent so the question is irrelevant.
How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
I don’t know, 7? 423? 1,234,512? I’m getting a headache.
I’ll bet you think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you?
Yes, Carly Simon, if you’re Warren Beatty you do. Because it was. And if you’re under 50 years old you have no idea what I’m talking about.
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
I think we all know the answer to this one. We take our shirts and shoes off, make sure our hair is uncombed, then try and run only to be tackled in our backyard by the cops and taken away in handcuffs. Note: That’s a reference to a TV show called Cops where they’d film … ah, never mind. Some of you will get it.
Are we human, or are we dancer?
Listen, I double-checked these lyrics. Twice. And yes, The Killers are saying “dancer” and not “dancers.” First of all, those are grammatically offensive lyrics. Secondly, being a human and a dancer are not mutually exclusive, right? Anyway, I’ll answer the question. We are dancer.
Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?
I love this question because I don’t think anybody really knows the answer. Nobody really knows what time it is, right? Time being an abstract and whatnot? As for the second part, we here in the States seem to care more than most other countries, especially my friends in the Caribbean. Their lives are not dictated by the clock, trust me.
How much is that doggie in the window? The one with the waggly tail?
If there’s no sign around my advice would be to ask a clerk, but that’s just me. In addition, in the year the song was released (1953) puppies went for around $10. I totally made that last part up.
Do you believe in life after love?
Everyone knows that breakups can be difficult, but there are many people in the world who’ve defied the odds and continued to live despite the termination of a romantic relationship. So yes, dang it, I do believe in life after love. I really do. I think.
Who could it be now?
If you’re not sure, don’t answer the door. Seriously, don’t answer it.
Should I stay or should I go?
I usually go, but I’d love to stay, I really would.
Why’d ya have to go and make things so complicated?
Avril Lavigne, let me give you some advice from one who knows. There are two things you should remember regarding relationships. #1 – They’re complicated, and #2 – Never forget #1.
How can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining?
Geez, Bee Gees, why you gotta make things so complicated? Ok, I’ll take these in order. First off, you can mend a broken heart. I recommend a puppy. Secondly and thirdly, you can’t stop either the rain from falling or the sun from shining. I know what you’re trying to say but let it go.
What is life?
Ah, leave it to a Beatle, Mr. George Harrison, to ask this question. Well, George, life is the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from rocks and the Kardashians and stuff like that.
Who put the ram in the ram-a-lama-ding-dong?
Actually, it was a songwriter named Barry Mann. He also put the bomp in the bomp-bah-bomp-bah-bomp, the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop and the dip in the dip-da-dip-da-dip too. Barry was a busy guy.
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
They move on to get their heart broken again. Man, I’m being pessimistic today.
Will you still love me tomorrow?
No, not likely. God, I need to develop a more positive attitude.
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I have indeed seen the rain, the snow, the sun, intense heat, bone-numbing cold, and everything in between. I do live in Ohio you know.
Do you really want to hurt me?
Yes, Boy George, after hearing that song over and over in 1982 they really wanted to hurt you. Really, really hurt you.
How does it feel to be without a home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?
I’m assuming not good because you would be, you know, an unknown homeless person.
What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Never. If that was the case Bob Dylan and Neil Young would have had no careers.
Why don’t we do it in the road?
Other than the 18-wheelers, drunk drivers and soccer moms in mini-vans, I don’t see why you can’t. Paul McCartney always said he was singing about playing soccer in that tune. On a related note, Paul was lying.
How can I be sure, in a world that’s constantly changing?
You can’t be sure. Live for the moment, folks.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?
Sadly, I now have an answer to that one and the answer is no.
How deep is your love?
Deep. Very, very deep. So deep. Then again, deep is sort of an abstract concept, isn’t it? But seriously, deep.
What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
This is the title of a great R.E.M. song, and its origins are fascinating. It’s about an incident in which newsman Dan Rather was attacked by a couple of assailants who kept yelling, “Kenneth, what is the frequency?” Dan did not know, and neither do I.
Who’s zoomin’ who?
Aretha Franklin, in 2024 the answer is everybody.
So there you go. My answers to some of music’s most eternal questions. I know these have kept you up on many a night, and I’m glad to be here to help out and put your mind at ease.
Sleep well, loyal readers. Sleep well.
Dave Shoemaker is a retired teacher, athletic director and basketball coach with most of his professional years spent at Paint Valley. He also served as the national basketball coach for the island country of Montserrat in the British West Indies. He lives in Southern Ohio with his best friends and companions, his dogs Sweet Lilly and Hank. He can be reached at https://shoeuntied.wordpress.com/.
